(no subject)
writersbullshit
That winter of 2013-2014 as marked by two great concerts for me. Both were happening in Abu Dhabi, and I didn't even hesitate when taking a tickets. One was Guns'n'Roses in early Feb, the other was Metallica in March. We had to go, now or never, that's what I said to myself and my husband. Tickets were bought beforehand and I was looking forward to have a great time.

We have just shifted to a new flat, as I said, and that time we started our trips to Barracuda. This was nuts! As alcohol was prohibited in UAE, still there was one place, where you could buy liquor, on your own responsibility to get caught and deported from the country, with a heavy fine. Still we were going. Once a month we were making this insane 3 hours trip, nervous, feeling more like Bonnie and Clyde, with a trunk loaded with clinking bottles of Booz. But what a relief we felt, finally making it back home, sweet home, and pouring a glass of wine or whiskey into our hot and tired bodies...

That was a time, I think, when it got back to everyday drinking again. We did that back in Moscow, then there was a two-years break in Dubai, but finally it came to the truth of life. We didn't drink hard every day though. A glass of wine for dinner, and a two fingers of whiskey while smoking in a gazebo late night. Though, we were drinking every day. Sad, but true.

So the concert was approaching, and once, being in Dubai Mall, I shared my plans with B during a friendly talk. He seemed excited too.
'I was in GnR concert last year!' He said.
'Wow, how come you didn't call me!' I tried to joke with him.
He seemed a bit confused, but supported my laugher.
'Lets go altogether this time!' I offered, not really believing, but just being polite.
'Lets try, I would love to!' He beamed with a smile.
What a smile. Took me time to handle it, I hope, it didn't show.
He was so close to me, and a rush of the store during that busy time was creating a very exciting and energetic atmosphere around us. We all loved it. That's what retail people are about. You love the crowd in the store, you catch the stream, and you empower yourself and people around with the energy, good music, perfect mood and excitement. Plus, there were some Unidentified fluids in the air, and I was wondering, did he tell those from the general emotions, and whether I did as well...

Finally the day of the GnR concert came, we finished work early, me and my husband, and we hit the Abu Dhabi highway just to catch the last rays of setting sun, gradually eaten by desert dusk in the other side of the road. We took some sandwiches from petrol station, and we drove, eating, singing songs, and enjoying the freeway.

The concert was held on the arena covered by fresh grass, and we took some beers, and sat down. Concert didn't yet start, and I sent a message to B:
'We are in GnR. Are you here?'
The answer came immediately:
'No, had to drop it. Sorry. Enjoy your time and have fun'
And so we did. Concert was great, and we drove back home way after midnight, and collapsed like dead.

Next morning I found a message:
'How was the show?'
Took me by surprise, I didn't think he was really interested.
'Was terrific! They played like gods!'
'Great. Lucky you. I was there last year, too'
I know. Did he have amnesia, he mentioned this so many times to me?
So on, we exchanged a couple of messages.
And I was really surprised, why this man would chat with me. He never showed any signs of friendship, being professional, and I appreciated that way. Though, sometimes it felt like the breaking ice, like a first green spring cracking the snow, when we talked. There was something, and I thought, we both knew it by that time. But I never let myself think any further. And I was sure, that he didn't let it, too.

(no subject)
writersbullshit
That fall of 2013, right before my flat shifting, A left for vacation.
I felt wings were grown behind my back. I was on my own, finally enjoying my work, no one to control me, and I have completed a few very successful work cases.
One of them was a new store opening, when I had to help Dana, my best friend. We started working together on the store level, when I just came to Dubai, and we found many things in common. Sometimes we went to have a good pint after work, chatting about life and so on. She was nice girl, but not easy, so wasn't I. That brought us closer, I guess. She've been to a complicated relations, and I knew both of them, so I used to be the shoulder to cry on. I didn't mind, cause I knew, she had no one else a girl in this country.
A year after my promotion, she got promoted as well, taking a similar position in a brother-brand. We both worked under B that time.
So I was helping her with the store opening. I had my own store openings back to back that time, so that was very hot fall, nothing to focus on, but work.
We met early morning in the mall, picked up a few helpers from the stores, and headed to Abu Dhabi.
I'll give you a rough picture of what the store opening is: no lights except emergency lamps, labours all around, drilling the last elements of design, cleaners trying to clean whatever, staff binning the cartons with product, arranging stockroom, merchandisers starting to perform a display, and bosses all around, pushing everyone to finish if off ASAP and get ready to open tomorrow. That's how it is, and how it exactly was last time. Well, we had enough hands, which was great, everyone worked hard, so I estimated the situation as smooth, and planned to move to one of my other Abu Dhabi stores, that I have just opened last week. I planned to drop by, take pictures, and then return back to Dana and finish work with her.

I was hanging somewhere at the ceiling, my both legs standing at the metal shelves of the stockroom, cause there were not enough ladders, and taking out display pieces of product. That was how B found me, when he entered the stockroom. I greeted him, he raised his head, and I thought about my tight black leggings, hoping, that the dimmed lights in the stockroom would not reveal the whole landscape of my thighs and buttocks.
'How's it going?' - he asked in a concerned tone.
'Everything is under control!' - I replied with braveness.
He didn't seem to move out, so I threw the product in the floor and jumped down.
We walked out together, and I gave him a round in the gloomy store, giving a heads up.
'I don't have my car today' - he explained, - 'Came here with Rasheed'
'Oh, I see' - I replied - 'what's happened to the car?'
'That's a funny story, I lost my car key, and I couldn't find the second set also'
Crazy, I thought.
'Oh, how did you loose it?'
'I gave my car to valet, and they returned it back to me, but somehow I've never seen it again' - he smiled is confusion, revealing the row of small, but perfect white and straight teeth. I again mentioned to myself, what a smile that man had.
'The guys from Lexus said, that it will take a week to produce a new key' - he continued, - 'So I'm taking any lift I can'
Ok, I said to myself, of course you can do it, everyone will be there to drop you. A the same time I recalled those times, when I didn't have car, and the ghost of Ras-Al-Khaima public bus stop came over my mind, taking me out of this reality. I shook my head and heard B talking to someone about HOF, the store, that we have just opened, and that I planned to visit today. I checked my watch, it was close to lunch time, but there was no traces of food around, cause the mall was still closed for public. That was time to move, so I called out:
'I'm going to HOF now, do you want to join?'
I said that, but I wasn't sure he will. Before I found him to be a little shy, especially when it was coming to favours, especially to favours from employees on a step lower, especially from females.
But surprisingly, I caught his glance. He hesitated a second, that seemed to me like a minute, he himself probably took it as an hour of thinking.
'Are you going HOF?' - he asked me, holding my eyes.
Damn, didn't I just said that?
'Yes, and coming back here after.' - I honestly didn't want to make it a big public deal.
'Ok, let's go and come back'
Fuuuhhh, finally.
We left the construction site and I leaded him to my parking lot.
'God, you walk faster than me!' - he exclaimed, loosing a few steps behind me.
'I always walk fast, I don't like to loose time' - I replied, slowing down as we approached escalator.
'Good, me too.'

What was strange, I had rolled this kind of moments in my head so many times. As we drive somewhere, or having lunch, or just talking. Why did I do that? I have no idea. But in reality everything was different, and I wasn't so brave and smart, and he wasn't so brave and charming, too.
We sat in the car, and I took off.
Actually, we have never had problems talking. We made an easy talk, discussing cars, roads, routes and weather, and I don't remember what else. Sometimes we paused, but it didn't feel uncomfortable. He told me that his first car here was Jeep, and I appreciated it with full honesty, cause I liked the car. I thought, he was a cool guy.
We listened to some music, he started singing along, and the singing was bad. I smiled to myself, what to do, not very one can sing, but at least someone is not shy to try. I'd better kill myself, than sing in public, cause I know, I have no voice, though, I have a pitch and I can play instruments.
As we headed towards the City centre, we discussed the modern buildings and Abu Dhabi architecture, and I told him about some innovative constructions, that he didn't know about. He seemed impressed, and I was prod, that finally I said something smart.
We stacked in a small traffic in the City centre, in one of the signals, but we both didn't notice it, cause we were deep into some discussion about Moscow, and the lifestyle there, and he started recalling some of our colleagues, particularly one lady, district manager.
'Marina was her name, right?' - he asked.
'Yeah right, Marina'
'A very nice lady, what happened to her?'
'I have no idea' - I replied - 'hope, that something good. She was a good person, very hardworking'
'Yeah, very professional and hardworking, but she didn't have kids, right?'
'No, she never married' - I also recalled that her father died, and there was no family left.
'That's strange, she was very good-looking woman' - he said thoughtfully.
'Yeah, she was naturally beautiful' - I admitted, deep in my thoughts also, when his question reached me:
'Am I a good-looking?' - he suddenly asked.
I was a little bit lost at that moment, cause the question was too sudden, and at the same time the traffic started moving, and one Pakistani truck was just about to cut my way, so I roughly threw the gear and pushed the pedal to pass the signal on yellow. So all that moment went little bit unclear, but I think, I mumbled something encouraging, like 'sure, you look ok!'
If the environment around was better, I would for sure turn to him, catch his sight and try to read in his eyes, and maybe deserve another charming smile of perfect white teeth, and return it back, and see what would happen.
But in this reality, I had to concentrate on the road, and just regret that such a delicious moment went unused.

We took the elevator from the parking to the mall, a brand new place, but deserted. As we approached our location, we found, that the area was still closed, but there was a staff and security meeting, and everything seemed to be ready to open.
'Just pass through' - he said to me.
So we both entered with the poker faces, and walked through the clouds of perfume department, until one of the securities called out:
'Sir, excuse me, we are closed yet'
B turned to him, started explaining, what we were doing there, and finally they let us in.
We took a round in the site, took pictures, everyone with his Ipad, and when the business was done, we descended back to the car.
'Drop me here nearby.' - B asked me, as we sat in.
'You will not go back?' - I asked, hoping that no disappointment was shown in my voice.
'No, there is a place with the food from my native town, I always have lunch here,when I have chance. I'm not offering you, cause I know, you don't like our food' - he smiled.
Damn Indian food. Can't stand it.
'But you have no car' - I tried my last chance.
'It's ok, Sunil will drop me back' - he replied. I wonder, if he regret, or he felt embarrassed about unanswered question, or he just decided, it's too much of me in his day today.
'Ok, as you wish! Enjoy your lunch!'
It took us minutes to get there, and he closed the door, and waved me. I smiled, waved too, and took off.

(no subject)
writersbullshit
Meanwhile, life went on and on.
I shifted the flat, and it was one of the happiest moments in Dubai.
We couldn't stay in old place any longer. The prices went up everywhere, but the place really sucked, so I was ready to pay twice more, but for a better place.
We were in a deep search, going to check different apartments every time we had chance. Finally we landed up in a middle of nowhere, somewhere in the outskirts of the City, where they developed a small oasis of unique community houses, surrounded by desert. It was real far from the civilisation, and there wasn't even a grocery, but we fell in love with the place. Well developed landscape, free pools and tennis courts, Caucasian residents, good quality flats, all of this costed nothing in comparable with what you could find in any other place.
We moved in a big spacious studio, that had a terrace sized almost same as the flat itself. We were enjoying a new and different lifestyle, and were excited to set up well and create our own unique space.
We were very happy. Brand new feeling of good life fulfilled the space inside and outside. We moved on a Christmas Day, Dec 25, and all those few holiday decorations brought a very cosy and homey atmosphere.
I remember very well, when we were moving out, I had a feeling that we've got too much stuff, but once we placed everything in the new house, I realised, how many big and small things were missing, and I immediately started working on home design, to make this place our dream place.
We set a gazebo with the soft garden furniture in the terrace, that sliding doors of our 'bedroom' led directly to it. I started buying plants, suddenly finding myself being happy, digging the ground and wiping leaves.
We set a couple of rules, like no TV and no Internet in the house. We didn't want anything to break that amazing country atmosphere, or distract us from each other. We wanted to have good dinner in silence, and maybe watch some quality old movie on DVD, while having our late wine and whiskey outside in gazebo.
Nowadays, any night, coming back home, we felt extremely happy.
And I suddenly realised that my life shifted to a new better level.

(no subject)
writersbullshit
I somehow always felt a presence of this man.
Once I caught myself on a thought, that I was always prepared inside to see him, meet him on purpose, or just occasionally bump to him in the store. And I also caught that feeling good, whenever I met him.
Before I was just happy to meet him, to discuss business points, ask for opinion, or advice, and just talk to an intelligent and smart person.
But as a time passed, I realised, there was something else behind it.
And this was mutual. I started catching his glance, and sometimes I purposely looked at him, and I found he was holding my eyes, as the world around started moving very slow. I think that were just a two seconds, that passed in the real time, but as we held each other's look, for us it felt like a few hours of deep conversation.
It was funny to me. I felt some power above him, and I liked it. This all was unspoken, but we understood each other very well, but none of us wanted to bring it forward. There was no going forward. We were from two different worlds, two different lives, two different generations, two different planets. Though, as time passed, I realised, we had lots in common. Not only the music, not only the lifestyle, striving to travelling, but some sort of perception of this world in the same values. A decent values. We were both striving to decency. We appreciated arts and science, we were reading good books, and tried to make brains work in any possible way, catching every opportunity to develop those leftovers of intelligence, that you still could carry after so many years of working in retail.
Sometimes on the meetings, I knew exactly what he was trying to say, and I supported his talk, and I saw, how he looked at me with his eyes smiling. When he asked the question, I had the answer, and I gave it, and he always appreciated it.
But sometimes we were having arguments also. I felt very upset, cause I knew, we thought the same thing at the end of the day, but sometimes his stubborn way of making a small issues a big thing, drove me mad. But I forgave him always. I still trusted in him, in his professionalism, in his goals, cause I knew, we lived the same values.
He was smart like a fox. An old grey fox, holding his nose on the wind, catching everything, that was happening around, and prepared for anything. I was proud to be a part of his team, and I did my best to be a good value team member. And I knew, he saw it, though he never showed it. Sometimes it was hurting me. I wanted his support, and a protection as well. I knew, he liked me, maybe he liked me a lot, and I didn't understand, why he cannot give his protection when I really needed it. But also I understood, it was his way, not to shift any team member, and I respected this. And I knew as well, I was strong. Real strong. And I wanted him to see it.

One day I broke. We were having a meeting with A, my superior, and B. B asked A to give the feedback about my work. As I mentioned before, Our relations with A looked more like a cat&dog relations, but he was very smart though, how to present his words. Finally we started disagreeing on some points, and A broke first. His voice went up, and he couldn't control himself anymore. B realised, that this would lead us to nothing, and released us. Everyone left the coffee-shop.
I felt very bad, not only about A, that I was used to. I felt bad about how B couldn't stop him from being so unprofessional. This all thing was boiling inside me, like a hot kettle.
Finally I texted him a message:
'Hi,can I ask you to do my appraisal one on one. I hope, I don't need to explain why.'
He replied immediately:
'Lets meet and talk'
'Ok, where should I come?'
He set the place, and I took off with my car.
My hands were shaking. When I arrived to the place, I gave him a call, and while waiting for him, I couldn't calm down. I didn't know how to put all these things, and I felt embarrassed to talk about my weakness, but I knew, it couldn't last any longer.
He took us a coffee and we sat at the table. I wanted to pour all my sorrow on him, but I managed to talk calm, without dangerous expressions, though I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. He seemed like not not noticing this, and one part of me was grateful to him.
Finally he agreed, that our tough relations with A should be resolved anyhow, and he offered to split the regions.
Though, it never happened in the future.

This man was obviously making me stronger, as he broke a lot of my hopes.

(no subject)
writersbullshit
Now it's little bit difficult for me to recreate all the proper flow of events. But I have to try.

That was after my third (or forth?) seasonal meeting, when we all came to Irish Village. That was our second hanging out with colleagues after the seasonal meeting, that we celebrated there. First time was when I was drinking vodka with that cute girl, Brand manager of India, and was brought home by taxi with the deserved $100 in my sweaty fist, and a very high feeling about the night.

The place was lovely, the huge open space with lots of trees, massive wooden furniture in a stone floor, tough Irish girls throwing pints on the table, fat cats and geese wandering across your table, and a wonderful live soft rock performed by the guitarist on the stage.
Peaceful, so different from what we used to experience in Dubai, full of a freedom spirit, where nothing could harm you.

We combined a few tables to give enough room for all the people, and everyone was enjoying a cool beer that refreshing dark night, when you just had to raise up your head to see the bright stars through the leaves of the high trees, and feel life, how wonderful it was.
Everyone felt inspiration, and people were roaming around, changing seats in order to talk to each other, and move forward to share happiness and joy. We were taking lots of pictures, and as I look at them now, everyone seemed so young and beautiful that night.
At one moment I moved to the seat next to B, and my GM, as I wanted to talk to a girl from Bahrain. I wanted to talk more to B, but I felt shy. Still, as I was near, we made a small talk, something about my watches. Then we were interrupted by my GM, who suggested to take a round of sharing a one personal and one professional goal for everyone next season. People started talking, one by one, and I was surprised, how different were their thoughts, and what a wonderful things were spoken that night.
I honestly don't remember what B said that time. I still try to recall it, but I cannot remember. But it might have been something regular, because, by that time I knew, he would never share a personal moments with public. It might have been something, that didn't surprise me, cause I didn't pay attention.
Anyways, we were enjoying the night, but the time was late and we started moving. B was warning everyone not to drive, but all people still drove their vehicles.
I put on a Guns'n'Roses CD and texted him:
'Thank You for the wonderful night'
That was already a tradition.
He replied, in the same way. We exchanged a couple of good messages, wished each other a good night, and that was it.

(no subject)
writersbullshit

Sometimes I had a feeling of being a very very useless and very very abandoned.
The misery and some kind of endless sadness would rise from the bottom of my lungs, making me hard to breathe. Sometimes the messages from A would just drive me mad, and I wanted to reply him in the same way, with disrespect and dishonor, and sometimes I did so, which obviously didn't help to solve the problem. Then later on, I learned, how to handle my saint anger inside for a good purpose. But in the beginning I was very frank and straight forward.
A would react very smart. He would yell at me, and keep me busy with the stupid work tasks for a next week or two.
Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I cried in front of my husband, just because I thought I can't handle it anymore. That time he wanted to kill A, and everyone who would make me drop even one small tear.
One day I cried right in the store, because the conversation witho A went out of control and my emotions as well. I just run inside the stockroom, hid between the shelves, and let my tears out, praying, that no staff will go to this area to pick a product.
I was feeling very very nervous every day, trying to find a way to handle this guy, and do my work properly at the same time.

One day I cried in B's office. It was not planned at all, I was just trying to get some very important papers signed, and to reimburse my bills, cause I had no money. And all departments were just giving me some stupid reasons, why it cannot be done. I ended up in B's office, though it was a last place where I would go to. I never wanted to give him any of my problems, even with A, though, it was actually his business. I just wanted to keep the face of a professional and mature employee, a kind of always-happy-no-problems-at-all girl.
But that time the face couldn't stand the weight of life, and crashed.
I sat down in front of him, and asked him for some signatures, and he said something, that he wouldn't sign some of it, because the pol I have changed. And that was a breaking moment. First I became angry, then suddenly I realised that right now I will weep, and I can't hold it anymore.
Be handed me a tissue box but said nothing.
I felt so embarrassed. This was the last man in this world, whom I wanted to see me crying. He should, I shouldn't, this is all wrong, why the hell I'm sitting here.
I wiped my cheeks, trying not to touch the eyeliner, took my papers and left the office. I don't even remember, whether I said sorry. I was so much down and I literally wanted my body to disappear that time, as well as any memory of me, as a person, to vanish from the mind of this man.


(no subject)
writersbullshit

I always was the person on my own.
The way I felt, the way I acted, not looking back on anyone around me. I shouldn't say I acted, but I have to. I really did.
No one, even my husband, knew, what's inside me. No one could ever guess my thoughts and emotions. I hid it very well. That came from the time I was still in love with the love of my life, and I carried it for life. I would smile and laugh, but there was always a bit of sadness inside. The thing is, in this country you cannot be really sad. The sun is shining every single day, and people around are smiling and pouring out the good energy, even though they might be sad or in a grief. They all act.
So did I. That was a rule, that became a habit. You put your face on in the morning before leaving your house.
You wash it off with a glass of whiskey in the evening, when getting back home.
Do you still remember who you are? Good if you do. I believe, I did. Thanks to my CD box and my memories. Sometimes I slipped so deeply inside the past, that one moment I woke up, driving, and wondering, what the hell I'm doing in this country, and whom I have become. The answer was very near, but sometimes it took me a while to find it. I was myself, and I took some time to find myself and bring it back again. I was with myself again.

B was often joking that I should call them out for a barbeque in my place. He knew, where I stayed, and he knew as well, that was a crap place. Still he was joking.
One day he texted me:
'Im planning to buy a gifts for the top performers before the next meeting. Can we search in Dragon Mart?'
That was just next to me.
I took a deep breath and thought, he's crazy or what.
'Ok, what are you planning to buy?'
You have to respect the boss, right?
'Some plants maybe. They could grow it'
He is crazy. I knew, he was fond of plants. He mentioned a couple times, and I saw a palm and a small money tree growing in his office. Among all the elephants and other souvenirs, that made his office look like a museum.
'Lets meet on Friday and have some coffee in the afternoon'
His message.
Where the hell is he? What are we talking about?? I was completely lost and texted something stupid, though, that was a funny conversation. I didn't have an idea he was drunk at that moment, now I think he was.
That was a common thing with us. I realised it later. The difference was, I didn't dare to text at these moments. He did.


(no subject)
writersbullshit

I remember very well the day when I bought my car.
Agent delivered it to the mall parking, gave me a call and handovered the documents.
I sat inside, turned on the engine, put the documents in the glove box and closed my eyes.
I was smiling and laughing, I turned on the radio and was sitting there for around twenty minutes, just smiling to myself, full of the feeling that I finally have my own car! This wonderful emotion fulfilled me, spilling out of me, I just couldn't hold it, and sang something, and laughed out all the time.
I really had a hard time after I was promoted, roaming around all the stores all around the country by public transport, hanging in the bus stops with the heavy laptop on my shoulder, and the temperature outside was not less than 40 C that time.
It took me time to get the licence, which was not easy at all in that country. Government tried to control the increasing number of drivers from all around the world, and the process of getting the licence was very strict. I don't blame them.
Finally I was sitting in my own car, I was holding the steering and touching the brand logo on it, and I absolutely loved my life at that moment.
After a while I went out of the mall to smoke a cigarette, and one couple next to me asked me how to get to some place in the City, and we chatted, and I was so full of my happiness, that I poured my story on them, that I have just bought a car! I dont know, what they thought, maybe they considered me crazy, but I didn't care.
I was enjoying driving, feeling myself so full of life and joy.
I started buying CDs with my favourite music, and riding around, singing a songs.

Once B asked me to drop him from the mall to the garage, where he kept his car for service.
I was very proud, cause I finally owned a vehicle, and excited to drive him somewhere.
We sat inside, and I turned on G'n'R last album, and he smiled, murmuring the songs. I barely had an idea how to drive to that place, and he was guiding me. We were talking all the time about everything, and he told me that he had an LP player, and I replied, that I was brought up listening to the LP player, starting from the kids staff, to the gold rock vinyls, that my parents were listening to. He seemed surprised, and we shared our music favourites, finding each other with the same music taste, as if we were good old friends. He said, he was on G'nR live concert last year, and I felt so envious, but in a good way, of course. I thought, he was a cool guy. I always knew. And I was very proud to have this guy in my car on the passenger seat, singing my favourite songs along with me.
Then he realised, that we missed the exit, and we had to take another round, and another round of conversation, but no one seemed disappointed. I think we both enjoyed the ride, but finally I had to drop him, and he left the car, shaking my hand and smiling with sparkles. I told to myself, don't take it personal, this is your boss, and just shut up and be happy that your boss is such an amazing guy, but don't think, girl, just don't think about it.
Anyways, I didn't have much time to think, cause I was fully engaged with work. But sometimes I thought, I would be happy to repeat this ride. Maybe make it little bit longer.


(no subject)
writersbullshit

The family life ain't simple if you're trying to make it good. You can just let it flow. And then the challenges you suddenly encounter might get you out of track. And you will start thinking, whether it's a right person you live with, or the right way to build your life with him.
I never had those difficulties.
I was lucky to try a family life style with a couple of boyfriends before I met my husband, so I had a slight idea of what to expect from family life and what I want to get from it.
Also I was never blinded by love, of being in love, or any other emotions. I experienced a true love early, and that ended with a horrible break up, of course, and It took me almost two years to recover, though, I think I never fully recovered. Sometimes I thought, if this man calls me once and asks to come back together again, I would just drop everything I'm doing, and take off the nearest flight to Moscow. This kind of feelings I never felt again in my life. I was truly happy with my family life, I had a joy of it, I had a deep understanding and respect, and something that you call partnership and fellowship, but some kind of irrational idea that this is the only right way, how it should be, and the feeling of a life-time belonging to each other, I never had again. I still feel a strong connection with that guy, though, we haven't seen each other for more than 10 years, but I'm sure he feels the same somehow.
When I left Moscow for Dubai, I thought, the bridges were burnt. On a New Year night of 2012 I got a greeting message on my mobile, which was obviously a drunk message, emotions outside. Is as shocked, but pleased, and I felt, yes, I wasn't wrong, that this connection would be between us for life. We are still in touch sometimes, sharing updates and having a lazy chat. I'm not sure whether he still loves me, but this man is obviously standing out and will stand out for life.
Having experienced that, I had no illusions about feelings anymore. I was done for love in my life. The task was completed. I didn't need to repeat it again, trying to make it better, cause I felt that nothing can be better than that, even if that case was lost for me. I wanted a peaceful life, full of joy and good emotions. I was probably trying to avoid any sort of pain and useless disappointment, that these sort of deep feelings normally cause, soon or late. The same you feel when your birthday is approaching. You are waiting for a miracle to happen to you, but it doesn't. So better not to expect anything. I mean, I believe, that you should always take a risk, when there is a chance to make things better, even the small chance. But I didn't want to suffer from love anymore. I was done for it already. This feeling is with me, it's buried so deep inside that I doubt to dig it out ever again.
But besides love, there is much more to do about family life. And without love it's maybe more difficult, but I have tried my best to work it through. I tried to be a good wife, as much as I could, being busy at work and making a family budget for the first 10 years of our family life. I cannot say it was so hard, and it hurt me, that I was earning more. Not at all. I liked my job, and I was happy that it's getting us some bread. I never felt abandoned or exploited, as I was trying my best to maintain the house and even cooking. Before I got rid of the stove of course. I had two days off a week, one with my husband, the other one on my own. That day I used to spend cleaning, washing, cooking, playing piano and drinking wine. A good housewife. I was happy.
One thing upset me, is the jealousity of my partner. Literally for everyone I ever met during my day and spoke a word about. That was driving me mad. It was kind of funny first few years, but after I felt, that wasn't healthy jealous. He was obsessed with it. And it made me think. Think a lot. And I made a decision, I would live with it. Will try to make him happy. Whatever happens.


(no subject)
writersbullshit

This winter 2012-13 passed, bringing us the fantastic results, and we were all looking forward to the next seasonal meeting, that was going to be the biggest event of the year.
I've done a lot that winter. As I said, every single day was a fight, but still I managed to work and achieve. As everyone did. Sometimes I think we all were just so annoying to each other, and that was the way to achieve.
By that time I was fully settled in my new role and I had a confidence and support from the people around.
I should be frank, I was always different. Sometimes it gave me scores, sometimes it was bringing me down. But one thing I realised, being in this country, when you have nothing, that you used to have before, I mean, your family, your property, your friends, your comfort zone, the last thing, that you still have, is yourself. My consciousness was sticked to my personality, and that was something, that kept me up, when everything was about to go down.
Usually these thoughts were coming to me, when at night I was driving from Abu Dhabi to Dubai, alone In my car, rolling through the day that I just lived, listening to Guns'n'Roses, and rolling all my life, while the poor deserted landscape, barely highlighted with the highway lights, hurtled behind. Sipping cold coffee, and singing along with Axl, I recalled many snaps of my previous life in Russia, was recalling my boyfriends, my study, my work, my cats, and I was wondering, how if happened to be in this country, with these people around, and whether I was different or not. The answer was 'not'. I was still the same, strong, young in my soul, good looking, confident, interesting and I was still myself, how I used to be. If I didn't agreed to anything, I would speak up. If i was angry, I would not smile. If there was a fun, I would be laughing out. If I felt like to hide my emotions, I would hide. And if I didn't like anyone, I would never pretend. But I was always trying to be polite to people. This country teaches you how to be tolerant. In terms of skin colour, religion, education, background, everything.... You have to give respect by default, unless you catch a thief, which I did, or catch a lie, which I also did, but it's not a legal case, unfortunately.
The thing was, in that work, it was all about people. I think, it was too much about people. Cause everything you have in your life here, are the people around. You don't have a property, you don't study, and your family is far. Everything you have, is work, and the excitement comes from the human relations. Time to get little crazy, huh.
As I mentioned, there was no alcohol also. The regular relief, that we used to, is not there anymore. And again, work takes all your time, and if you have guts to go to bar after doing extra hours, tomorrow your day is ruined by a hangover. I kept myself out of it, and those few nights out remained just a few nights out.
I think, something was there, that attracted other people to me. I want to believe, it was my personality, not my appearance. Sometimes I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was thinking, how come my husband was still with me for these 8 years. Scarecrow, in other words. But that was sometimes only. I wasn't looking bad, at the end of the day. My weight was stable at 52 kg, and I was working out at home 3-4 times a week just to keep the shape. All the rest came from inside. I can say, I was in love with the Brand, and tried to pass the same emotions to the people around. Actually I knew, people liked me, so I speculated with my image to pass them the good values. My image helped me, but also my belief did. I was very passionate about work, and I was never compromising, so I had a reputation of a tough and professional. Exactly what I needed.
One thing happened to me that winter, that made me think further.
I was n the store early morning,standing outside, checking the window with the paper in my hands. I was fully deep in that window update, when suddenly I felt someone next to me. That was B, he also came early morning for some reason. I don't remember now, what he said, but he was obviously in a good mood, and, as a greeting, he waved his arm around my waist. That time my heart missed a beat, but i never missed a blink, and he removed his arm after one second, and we continued talking. Before that I never thought, he was attracted to me, but after that, I started looking more closely. I suddenly felt that all our jokes and sights were not just a silly jokes and sights. I don't know, why I wanted to believe, it was not. I wasn't scared, like, how come I should be scared of such I nice guy, who happened to me not only my boss, but the very meaningful person for me.
But that was the breaking point.
And I let it go, as if nothing had happened, but sometimes I realised, It was special. And it made me feel good.


?

Log in