writersbullshit (writersbullshit) wrote,
writersbullshit
writersbullshit

This winter 2012-13 passed, bringing us the fantastic results, and we were all looking forward to the next seasonal meeting, that was going to be the biggest event of the year.
I've done a lot that winter. As I said, every single day was a fight, but still I managed to work and achieve. As everyone did. Sometimes I think we all were just so annoying to each other, and that was the way to achieve.
By that time I was fully settled in my new role and I had a confidence and support from the people around.
I should be frank, I was always different. Sometimes it gave me scores, sometimes it was bringing me down. But one thing I realised, being in this country, when you have nothing, that you used to have before, I mean, your family, your property, your friends, your comfort zone, the last thing, that you still have, is yourself. My consciousness was sticked to my personality, and that was something, that kept me up, when everything was about to go down.
Usually these thoughts were coming to me, when at night I was driving from Abu Dhabi to Dubai, alone In my car, rolling through the day that I just lived, listening to Guns'n'Roses, and rolling all my life, while the poor deserted landscape, barely highlighted with the highway lights, hurtled behind. Sipping cold coffee, and singing along with Axl, I recalled many snaps of my previous life in Russia, was recalling my boyfriends, my study, my work, my cats, and I was wondering, how if happened to be in this country, with these people around, and whether I was different or not. The answer was 'not'. I was still the same, strong, young in my soul, good looking, confident, interesting and I was still myself, how I used to be. If I didn't agreed to anything, I would speak up. If i was angry, I would not smile. If there was a fun, I would be laughing out. If I felt like to hide my emotions, I would hide. And if I didn't like anyone, I would never pretend. But I was always trying to be polite to people. This country teaches you how to be tolerant. In terms of skin colour, religion, education, background, everything.... You have to give respect by default, unless you catch a thief, which I did, or catch a lie, which I also did, but it's not a legal case, unfortunately.
The thing was, in that work, it was all about people. I think, it was too much about people. Cause everything you have in your life here, are the people around. You don't have a property, you don't study, and your family is far. Everything you have, is work, and the excitement comes from the human relations. Time to get little crazy, huh.
As I mentioned, there was no alcohol also. The regular relief, that we used to, is not there anymore. And again, work takes all your time, and if you have guts to go to bar after doing extra hours, tomorrow your day is ruined by a hangover. I kept myself out of it, and those few nights out remained just a few nights out.
I think, something was there, that attracted other people to me. I want to believe, it was my personality, not my appearance. Sometimes I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was thinking, how come my husband was still with me for these 8 years. Scarecrow, in other words. But that was sometimes only. I wasn't looking bad, at the end of the day. My weight was stable at 52 kg, and I was working out at home 3-4 times a week just to keep the shape. All the rest came from inside. I can say, I was in love with the Brand, and tried to pass the same emotions to the people around. Actually I knew, people liked me, so I speculated with my image to pass them the good values. My image helped me, but also my belief did. I was very passionate about work, and I was never compromising, so I had a reputation of a tough and professional. Exactly what I needed.
One thing happened to me that winter, that made me think further.
I was n the store early morning,standing outside, checking the window with the paper in my hands. I was fully deep in that window update, when suddenly I felt someone next to me. That was B, he also came early morning for some reason. I don't remember now, what he said, but he was obviously in a good mood, and, as a greeting, he waved his arm around my waist. That time my heart missed a beat, but i never missed a blink, and he removed his arm after one second, and we continued talking. Before that I never thought, he was attracted to me, but after that, I started looking more closely. I suddenly felt that all our jokes and sights were not just a silly jokes and sights. I don't know, why I wanted to believe, it was not. I wasn't scared, like, how come I should be scared of such I nice guy, who happened to me not only my boss, but the very meaningful person for me.
But that was the breaking point.
And I let it go, as if nothing had happened, but sometimes I realised, It was special. And it made me feel good.

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