writersbullshit (writersbullshit) wrote,
writersbullshit
writersbullshit

The family life ain't simple if you're trying to make it good. You can just let it flow. And then the challenges you suddenly encounter might get you out of track. And you will start thinking, whether it's a right person you live with, or the right way to build your life with him.
I never had those difficulties.
I was lucky to try a family life style with a couple of boyfriends before I met my husband, so I had a slight idea of what to expect from family life and what I want to get from it.
Also I was never blinded by love, of being in love, or any other emotions. I experienced a true love early, and that ended with a horrible break up, of course, and It took me almost two years to recover, though, I think I never fully recovered. Sometimes I thought, if this man calls me once and asks to come back together again, I would just drop everything I'm doing, and take off the nearest flight to Moscow. This kind of feelings I never felt again in my life. I was truly happy with my family life, I had a joy of it, I had a deep understanding and respect, and something that you call partnership and fellowship, but some kind of irrational idea that this is the only right way, how it should be, and the feeling of a life-time belonging to each other, I never had again. I still feel a strong connection with that guy, though, we haven't seen each other for more than 10 years, but I'm sure he feels the same somehow.
When I left Moscow for Dubai, I thought, the bridges were burnt. On a New Year night of 2012 I got a greeting message on my mobile, which was obviously a drunk message, emotions outside. Is as shocked, but pleased, and I felt, yes, I wasn't wrong, that this connection would be between us for life. We are still in touch sometimes, sharing updates and having a lazy chat. I'm not sure whether he still loves me, but this man is obviously standing out and will stand out for life.
Having experienced that, I had no illusions about feelings anymore. I was done for love in my life. The task was completed. I didn't need to repeat it again, trying to make it better, cause I felt that nothing can be better than that, even if that case was lost for me. I wanted a peaceful life, full of joy and good emotions. I was probably trying to avoid any sort of pain and useless disappointment, that these sort of deep feelings normally cause, soon or late. The same you feel when your birthday is approaching. You are waiting for a miracle to happen to you, but it doesn't. So better not to expect anything. I mean, I believe, that you should always take a risk, when there is a chance to make things better, even the small chance. But I didn't want to suffer from love anymore. I was done for it already. This feeling is with me, it's buried so deep inside that I doubt to dig it out ever again.
But besides love, there is much more to do about family life. And without love it's maybe more difficult, but I have tried my best to work it through. I tried to be a good wife, as much as I could, being busy at work and making a family budget for the first 10 years of our family life. I cannot say it was so hard, and it hurt me, that I was earning more. Not at all. I liked my job, and I was happy that it's getting us some bread. I never felt abandoned or exploited, as I was trying my best to maintain the house and even cooking. Before I got rid of the stove of course. I had two days off a week, one with my husband, the other one on my own. That day I used to spend cleaning, washing, cooking, playing piano and drinking wine. A good housewife. I was happy.
One thing upset me, is the jealousity of my partner. Literally for everyone I ever met during my day and spoke a word about. That was driving me mad. It was kind of funny first few years, but after I felt, that wasn't healthy jealous. He was obsessed with it. And it made me think. Think a lot. And I made a decision, I would live with it. Will try to make him happy. Whatever happens.

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