writersbullshit (writersbullshit) wrote,
writersbullshit
writersbullshit

Sometimes I had a feeling of being a very very useless and very very abandoned.
The misery and some kind of endless sadness would rise from the bottom of my lungs, making me hard to breathe. Sometimes the messages from A would just drive me mad, and I wanted to reply him in the same way, with disrespect and dishonor, and sometimes I did so, which obviously didn't help to solve the problem. Then later on, I learned, how to handle my saint anger inside for a good purpose. But in the beginning I was very frank and straight forward.
A would react very smart. He would yell at me, and keep me busy with the stupid work tasks for a next week or two.
Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I cried in front of my husband, just because I thought I can't handle it anymore. That time he wanted to kill A, and everyone who would make me drop even one small tear.
One day I cried right in the store, because the conversation witho A went out of control and my emotions as well. I just run inside the stockroom, hid between the shelves, and let my tears out, praying, that no staff will go to this area to pick a product.
I was feeling very very nervous every day, trying to find a way to handle this guy, and do my work properly at the same time.

One day I cried in B's office. It was not planned at all, I was just trying to get some very important papers signed, and to reimburse my bills, cause I had no money. And all departments were just giving me some stupid reasons, why it cannot be done. I ended up in B's office, though it was a last place where I would go to. I never wanted to give him any of my problems, even with A, though, it was actually his business. I just wanted to keep the face of a professional and mature employee, a kind of always-happy-no-problems-at-all girl.
But that time the face couldn't stand the weight of life, and crashed.
I sat down in front of him, and asked him for some signatures, and he said something, that he wouldn't sign some of it, because the pol I have changed. And that was a breaking moment. First I became angry, then suddenly I realised that right now I will weep, and I can't hold it anymore.
Be handed me a tissue box but said nothing.
I felt so embarrassed. This was the last man in this world, whom I wanted to see me crying. He should, I shouldn't, this is all wrong, why the hell I'm sitting here.
I wiped my cheeks, trying not to touch the eyeliner, took my papers and left the office. I don't even remember, whether I said sorry. I was so much down and I literally wanted my body to disappear that time, as well as any memory of me, as a person, to vanish from the mind of this man.

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