writersbullshit (writersbullshit) wrote,
writersbullshit
writersbullshit

I somehow always felt a presence of this man.
Once I caught myself on a thought, that I was always prepared inside to see him, meet him on purpose, or just occasionally bump to him in the store. And I also caught that feeling good, whenever I met him.
Before I was just happy to meet him, to discuss business points, ask for opinion, or advice, and just talk to an intelligent and smart person.
But as a time passed, I realised, there was something else behind it.
And this was mutual. I started catching his glance, and sometimes I purposely looked at him, and I found he was holding my eyes, as the world around started moving very slow. I think that were just a two seconds, that passed in the real time, but as we held each other's look, for us it felt like a few hours of deep conversation.
It was funny to me. I felt some power above him, and I liked it. This all was unspoken, but we understood each other very well, but none of us wanted to bring it forward. There was no going forward. We were from two different worlds, two different lives, two different generations, two different planets. Though, as time passed, I realised, we had lots in common. Not only the music, not only the lifestyle, striving to travelling, but some sort of perception of this world in the same values. A decent values. We were both striving to decency. We appreciated arts and science, we were reading good books, and tried to make brains work in any possible way, catching every opportunity to develop those leftovers of intelligence, that you still could carry after so many years of working in retail.
Sometimes on the meetings, I knew exactly what he was trying to say, and I supported his talk, and I saw, how he looked at me with his eyes smiling. When he asked the question, I had the answer, and I gave it, and he always appreciated it.
But sometimes we were having arguments also. I felt very upset, cause I knew, we thought the same thing at the end of the day, but sometimes his stubborn way of making a small issues a big thing, drove me mad. But I forgave him always. I still trusted in him, in his professionalism, in his goals, cause I knew, we lived the same values.
He was smart like a fox. An old grey fox, holding his nose on the wind, catching everything, that was happening around, and prepared for anything. I was proud to be a part of his team, and I did my best to be a good value team member. And I knew, he saw it, though he never showed it. Sometimes it was hurting me. I wanted his support, and a protection as well. I knew, he liked me, maybe he liked me a lot, and I didn't understand, why he cannot give his protection when I really needed it. But also I understood, it was his way, not to shift any team member, and I respected this. And I knew as well, I was strong. Real strong. And I wanted him to see it.

One day I broke. We were having a meeting with A, my superior, and B. B asked A to give the feedback about my work. As I mentioned before, Our relations with A looked more like a cat&dog relations, but he was very smart though, how to present his words. Finally we started disagreeing on some points, and A broke first. His voice went up, and he couldn't control himself anymore. B realised, that this would lead us to nothing, and released us. Everyone left the coffee-shop.
I felt very bad, not only about A, that I was used to. I felt bad about how B couldn't stop him from being so unprofessional. This all thing was boiling inside me, like a hot kettle.
Finally I texted him a message:
'Hi,can I ask you to do my appraisal one on one. I hope, I don't need to explain why.'
He replied immediately:
'Lets meet and talk'
'Ok, where should I come?'
He set the place, and I took off with my car.
My hands were shaking. When I arrived to the place, I gave him a call, and while waiting for him, I couldn't calm down. I didn't know how to put all these things, and I felt embarrassed to talk about my weakness, but I knew, it couldn't last any longer.
He took us a coffee and we sat at the table. I wanted to pour all my sorrow on him, but I managed to talk calm, without dangerous expressions, though I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. He seemed like not not noticing this, and one part of me was grateful to him.
Finally he agreed, that our tough relations with A should be resolved anyhow, and he offered to split the regions.
Though, it never happened in the future.

This man was obviously making me stronger, as he broke a lot of my hopes.
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