writersbullshit (writersbullshit) wrote,

I always was the person on my own.
The way I felt, the way I acted, not looking back on anyone around me. I shouldn't say I acted, but I have to. I really did.
No one, even my husband, knew, what's inside me. No one could ever guess my thoughts and emotions. I hid it very well. That came from the time I was still in love with the love of my life, and I carried it for life. I would smile and laugh, but there was always a bit of sadness inside. The thing is, in this country you cannot be really sad. The sun is shining every single day, and people around are smiling and pouring out the good energy, even though they might be sad or in a grief. They all act.
So did I. That was a rule, that became a habit. You put your face on in the morning before leaving your house.
You wash it off with a glass of whiskey in the evening, when getting back home.
Do you still remember who you are? Good if you do. I believe, I did. Thanks to my CD box and my memories. Sometimes I slipped so deeply inside the past, that one moment I woke up, driving, and wondering, what the hell I'm doing in this country, and whom I have become. The answer was very near, but sometimes it took me a while to find it. I was myself, and I took some time to find myself and bring it back again. I was with myself again.

B was often joking that I should call them out for a barbeque in my place. He knew, where I stayed, and he knew as well, that was a crap place. Still he was joking.
One day he texted me:
'Im planning to buy a gifts for the top performers before the next meeting. Can we search in Dragon Mart?'
That was just next to me.
I took a deep breath and thought, he's crazy or what.
'Ok, what are you planning to buy?'
You have to respect the boss, right?
'Some plants maybe. They could grow it'
He is crazy. I knew, he was fond of plants. He mentioned a couple times, and I saw a palm and a small money tree growing in his office. Among all the elephants and other souvenirs, that made his office look like a museum.
'Lets meet on Friday and have some coffee in the afternoon'
His message.
Where the hell is he? What are we talking about?? I was completely lost and texted something stupid, though, that was a funny conversation. I didn't have an idea he was drunk at that moment, now I think he was.
That was a common thing with us. I realised it later. The difference was, I didn't dare to text at these moments. He did.

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